I raised my hand in a room of 250 people — tears streaming, rage barely contained — and said: "When is it my turn?! When is it my turn to receive?"

The instructor had been talking about self-love.

For a people-pleaser, "love yourself" doesn't land as wisdom. It lands as another assignment. Another thing to do alone. Another way of being told that the answer to not being loved well is to need less of it from others.

But here's what took me years to understand: I had been trying to take care of myself the whole time. I just didn't know how to do it directly. I was so busy running out of the room looking for someone to comfort the little girl in the corner — I never stopped to just turn toward her.

There was a moment… a very clear moment when I said to myself, 'Oh. Oh. They've been telling me all this time. They've been telling me who they are — and I haven't believed them.' And then, just as quickly: 'Oh my goodness. This is who I am. And I haven't believed myself.' That moment held both freedom and grief. And it was the moment I finally understood what toxic hope had been costing me.

Now, I must solve my problem, and this is where things get interesting and entertaining in a complex and destructive kind of way.

My mentor's question proved why he is my mentor. It flipped the board on the mental, emotional, and spiritual game I had been playing with myself.